So I’ve taken a break from talking about my depression because frankly, it started to annoy me. The whole idea of it, admitting that I “have” it, and sharing the story just became a burden to me. I wanted to feel “normal”. And I stopped taking my meds, partly because I couldn’t afford it, and partly because I felt like I didn’t really need it.
So here’s the thing, I feel fine. I think. I don’t have those extreme lows, or thoughts of suicide or feeling worthless. I feel better. BUT, I’m extremely irritable, EXTREMELY irritable. I also don’t really want to socialise, talk about myself or what’s going on in my life and I don’t like receiving compliments. What’s up with that? When people ask, “How’ve you been, what’s new?”, I just say, all good, same old same old, busy as always. I honestly don’t want to talk, I’d rather let you talk, I’ll just listen, because it feels like hard word to talk about my self and my life. Is that weird?
I find myself getting so annoyed by the littlest things, especially at home. This obviously makes me feel really guilty, because I end up snapping at both my husband and my son. The chaos in the house during the packing process is driving me crazy. The constant mess while everything gets packed out and then packed into boxes is really annoying to me. I just want it all to get packed up so the house can be tidy, yet at the same time, I don’t feel like cleaning anything because it seems like a mammoth task, and I feel like I’m too busy, because I need to work, and work is a priority. I’m feeling extreme pressure to succeed. And it’s not external pressure, it’s internal. I have spent so long trying to find my passion, and now that I have, it HAS to work. Know what I mean?
I have little patience with myself. There is just too much to do, and I need to focus on that. And while I’m crushing myself with career pressure, I feel like I’m not spending enough time in the evenings with my baby boy, and I keep reminding myself that I’m going to miss these days, when he is little and saying adorable things. He has the wildest imagination and I love that about him. Sometimes I find myself praying for bedtime, so that I can be alone again, but then I feel bad and I go read him a story. Mom guilt + career guilt = irritable Keri.
I’ve now found myself wondering if this is not just another way in which mental illness is manifesting itself. I’m not annoyed by regular things, I’m annoyed by everything. I’m pretty sure that’s not “normal”. I drink a lot of coffee and I smoke. I don’t drink heavily at all, a glass of wine every second night, or a few if I’m having a girls night. I also have to have a chocolate, every day! I suppose the “addictions” could be worse, but still I feel guilty.
I also want to see people, so I make plans. And I have to force myself to stick to those plans, because in the moments before I need to leave, I really don’t want to. I suddenly feel tired, or like I look too terrible to leave the house. I actually feel quite terrible about my appearance in general lately. I feel like I always look like shit. I also find myself filled with energy, especially in the evenings, I feel wired and productive, sending out the most emails and coming up with the best ideas, creating content, feeling super motivated. It’s almost like a high, and I don’t know when I’m going to come down. When the tired hits though, I feel utterly shattered, and struggle to wake up. But I must. I MUST get up, because I have things to achieve and goals to smash, and no one becomes the next Arianna Huffington by lying in bed
Those are my thoughts, all the time. Even a break for coffee with a friend makes me feel like I’m slacking off.
I did bit of reading on Google, there are quite a few articles about high functioning anxiety/depression, and I do fit in to a bit of both, but I don’t really know. And I don’t want to see the psychiatrist, except I can’t actually give you a good reason for why not.
I feel safer, and calmer when I’m by myself. Working, in the shower, in bed for the night, knowing I can’t be interrupted.
Can you relate? I feel like I’m losing the plot here!